Feeling inspired

Happiness does not come from doing easy work but from the afterglow of satisfaction that comes after the achievement of a difficult task that demanded our best." - Theodore I. Rubin


I have never really had a favorite quote--but this is one that I just ran across that has a lot of meaning to me--so I might have one now.  It pretty much sums up that long post I wrote a while back about the things that have brought me the most joy in my life. 

My dad forwarded me this article today that he thought I would enjoy, and I am glad I took a break from studying for finals to read it.  It was about a runner who I used to run against in high school.  This girl, Sally, and her friend Sara ran for Mountain Point high school and they were in a whole different level from almost everyone else, they would run in every distance event, and one of them would win almost every race. So while I was not on her level, and did not know her personally, I feel a slight connection to her since we both went to high school here, were about the same age, and ran in the same races--we even both ran in the PF Chang event in Tempe in January 2011 (even though I was dealing with lead feet in the half marathon and she WON the marathon LOL!)

I have been having a hard time finding the motivation to study for finals since I am just so exhausted from school.  So I was just posting on our class facebook page (closest thing to a classroom for us distance students)  about this frustration when I read the article. 

It makes me want to just go for a run, and just run....and run....and run.... with my headphones on and the music cranked up.   I picture Bridget running from Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants  (yes, I find inspiration in the most unexpected places).  I just told Sam "There is something so therapeutic about just running"  Too bad I am currently under the fog of a cold and I think I could probably only last a block....which I don't think would be very therapeutic.  :( 

BUT--there is a 5k race this weekend in Sally's honor and for some reason I think I want to run it.  So, this week I am going to try and jog a few times so that I could run the race (and not die).  I'll let you know how that turns out.

Amber

Done!

After studying all weekend for a test in biochemistry I spent the day finishing this book and I am so happy to have it all finished.  For all of you who live far away and won't be able to the hard copy--here is a link to the digital version--where you can see a look back on our 3 years of living in Chinle :)

Other exciting news is--Rachel moved up to level two in gymnastics! She was really excited about this and has so much fun going to gymnastics every week.  The highlight of my week is taking her to class and seeing her permagrin during the whole class.  Every time they need to move on to a new station she is always asking the coach "can I do one more?" :) 


http://www.blurb.com/books/2656285

Had a great weekend in san diego visiting Sam's brother and his family. We enjoyed walking to carlsbad beach, and riding bikes around the neighborhood, playing twister, and going out to dinner. We also had fun catching up with Sams friend chelsea  from high school who turns out lives a few doors down from his brother. This morning we just sat at the park for hours, watched the little kids play while the big kids rode around the neighborhood on bikes. I loved seeing rachel have so much fun with cousins.

Mostly I was happy to jusy sit and relax and not be studying. I haven't been able to blog in a while because basically...pharmacy school is kicking my butt!  The first week was "this isn't so bad, I expected worse."  Second week was, "ok, um the pace is really picking up." Third week was, "wow, they are really cruising through this material, I think I had a whole class on this topic in undergrad, and they just breezed through it in an hours lecture!...do you think we really need to know it all??" Then all the exams started and the rest of the weeks all ran together.  Last week was mid terms and I was studying almost all day some days.  Thankfully, Rachel was able to sleep over one night at grandmas, and one night at my sisters house.  I don't want Rachel to have bad memories of me going back to school, so this helps me feel better- knowing she will remember all the sleepover she got to have :) Then immediately after my last exam we headed to california. Thankfully I actually get a fall break so this week I get to take a small breather. Small. I stilll have a paper to write...and to write it I first need to read a 350 page book...and I am only on page 20. But I have many shows on my DVR list and I plan to watch them all :)

How old were you when...

Some recent conversations with Rachel made me laugh and I figured I should write them down.

"Mom, when will I get my own laptop?  How old were you when you got your first laptop?"
"Do you see that laptop over there, that I got two years ago for Christmas?  that is my first laptop, so I was 27."
"No mom, I mean your VERY FIRST laptop."
"That is my very first laptop."
"Well there is a kid in my class that has his own...nevermind, forget it. "

"Mom, when am I going to get my own cell phone??!! How old were you when you got your first cell phone?
"It was after I was married, and after you were born.  So I was 21."  (It was actually after we moved to quincy and I got lost driving home from Walmart one night, a few hours later when I finally got home, sam was worried sick and figured it was about time.
"No, I mean your VERY first cell phone."
(you get the idea)

"Mom, how old were you when you first kissed a boy?" 
(crap! what do I say to this one, the real story is I was boy crazy in elementary school, I have some vague recollections of chasing boys on the playground when I was in second grade. (rach is in 3rd grade)   ha ha!  I don't remember any kiss specifically, but I do remember having a toy ring and saying we were going to be married --LOL!  maybe my "first" kiss was in 5th grade.  But then I didn't date anyone until after I as 16 and so my first REAL kiss wasn't until after that....hmmmm )
"Um....I don't remember."

city pool

As some extra enticement for any friends who want to visit--I thought I would post this pic of our city pool which just happens to be one mile from my house  The admission is $1 for kids and $2.25 for adults.  It is all outside in the sunshine, and the water is nice and warm :) It includes: 

 8-Lane Competition Pool,
Two Diving Boards,
Two Water Slides,
Zero-Depth Play Pool and
Interactive Water Play Feature,
Water Vortex,
Current River,

just sayin.

The Nitty-Gritty of Omaha

I'll take a break from writing, and start this off with pictures-- wahoo! 

The campus really was beautiful.  We stayed at the dorms which was about a 10-20 minute walk to where classes were held.  These pics were what we saw on the walk. 

Taken from the campus--to show how close it is to downtown, only a mile or so from the dorms, just not a great neighborhood inbetween so we couldn't walk.

packing capsules--official looking huh?

hurry, let's take some more pictures while we have pill containers on the desks and we look official

 Most other students were older, and married, and many had children (I think two women have 6 and 8 kids!)  So I felt very comfortable with everyone, and I know that all of my classmates will be facing the same challenges as me with balancing family life.  (In dental school, Sam was the only one in his class to start out with a child.)  There were a handful of students who are straight out of undergrad and then several older students, I would say I fell right in the middle.

 

This building is the student center where we would eat lunch

Taken on the last day as we were waiting for cabs to the airport--sooo excited to be done!!!

Here are some pictures of the dorms where we stayed--it was apartment style dorms (a studio)  so they were bigger than standard dorm...not as big as a real apartment.

Thankfully each room has its own bathroom.

Here is the little niche off to the side where our beds were. They were exactly what you would expect--plastic covered cheap mattresses.  Thankfully I took the advice of bringing my own pillow. 

Here is my roomie-and a shot of our couch and coffee table

We had a "Boston" kitchen  aka--a mini oven and mini fridge.  There was one microwave downstairs for the entire building. Also downstairs, there was a nice big tv room with a big tv and a small workout room.  We spent many nights all sitting in front of the tv--each with our laptops open, watching whatever was on.

There were some really fun restaurants in this part of town, lots of outdoor cafes etc.

Okay--random photo but I took this because it captures how much fun we actually had hanging out together. We all were a little nervous that everyone would be lame--I mean for all we knew everyone else could have turned out to be science nerds ha ha!   but this night at happy hour we got laughing so hard we were crying--even the guys-ha ha :) so that proves we really had a good time.  It is nice to know that I have seeing friends like this to look forward to next summer when I will have to go for another few weeks.


I haven't really writen about what we were doing and how I was doing being away from home for so long.  So for those of you interested in those details--enjoy!

I'm lazy so I am going to copy the text from an email I sent to a friend who emailed me at just the right time (practically my breaking point) and got an ear full about what it was like in Omaha:

I have been in Omaha for a week and a half, and yesterday I hit my capacity and I am ready to be home.  The first week was pretty boring, it was orientation so we did a lot of meeting people from every department etc, then we got our computers and had many technology sessions about how to use them, the software that was included, and all of the school websites we will need to use.  Somewhat helpful, but basically all day powerpoints ha ha  The highlight was hanging out with classmates afterwards--since during last week we didn't have any assignments.  I have met some really fun people and it is really fun to have classmates from all over that I will be talking to, my roommate is from Maine (originally from Puerto Rico--and yes I said roommate--we have been staying in the dorms), my other close friends are from seattle, south dakota, colorado, alabama, texas, chicago  and other classmates are from all over as well: alaska, hawaii, tennessee, NY, CA, and even Delaware!  I was so excited to finally meet someone from Delaware :) ha ha    This week we started labs and it was a big change, we were thrown into doing pharmacy stuff...even though we have had no classes yet--our classes don't start until Aug 22nd.  So they seem to just want us to practice anyway and hopefully remember the things we do when we are learning about them in class--so hopefully even though we aren't doing that great we aren't going to Fail.  (it is a pass/fail lab class).  I feel like they are throwing all of these things at us all at ones.  For example they taught us how to enter new prescriptions into the computer and I was thinking "I got this" and then they sent us over to this simulation area and they set the timers for 7 minutes and we had to roate through 5 stations and do stuff at each one.  Only instead of the scripts being nice and typed, they were photo copies of handwritten scripts with abbreviations that we had never even seen before -let alone they weren't even legible since those doctors write in chicken scratch. ha ha.  So I was supposed to type 2 scripts into the computer in 7 minutes...and the timer buzzed and I had zero lol! I couldn't read the instructions, I couldn't read the drug name--since I don't know many to begin with so I couldn't just guess and think "oh, I think they meant _____"  So it was pretty nerve wracking, but again, just trying to remember that they just wanted us to try.  

One last story--because it is comical, but also explains why I am ready to go home.  I guess to clarify--Rachel's school is modified year round so she actually started school the same day I did so I wasn't even there when she started her first day in a new school.  And since sam just started he can't take time off to drive/pickup and he works 10 hr days so I have friends dropping her off and Sam's mom picking her up after and kepping her until 7pm.  It's going okay, but obviously I wish I could have been there.  I talked to Rachel last night and she started to get very sad and made me cry.  She said she missed me, but also that she misses her old school, and doesn't like her new school, and wishes she could ride her bike to school.  The new school also jumped right into homework, so she was feeling kinda overwhelmed  (poor little 3rd grader...but she is coming from the rez so I don't doubt they are moving much faster along).   

Anyway, I tried to keep from crying while talking to her but after I hung up I just decided to let it out.  So picture me--downstairs in the dorms --I had hunted out a room where I thought no one would be so I could make the call to begin with.  It was about 10:00pm, my roommate was asleep already so I go to this room where no one had been all week. Anyway, I hang up the phone, and since I am all alone I just cry for a little bit and then I try to compose myself and clean up my face before I go out to the lobby area where I might actually see people.  A minute later a girl walks in--total stranger, (thankfully not in my class) and asks if I mind if she uses the room for something.  I say no problem, but she notices I was crying and I'm all embarassed.  I say I am fine and decide to get out of there, but better go to the bathroom first and make sure my makeup isn't horrible.  I see myself in the mirror--WOW! scary! lol! so I rinse off my face bust decide my face is still all red etc so I decide to just hang out in there until I feel a bit more composed before leaving.  Then the same girl walks in to use the bathroom ha ha  "Hi Again"  AWKWARD! lol! so then i'm like, ok gotta go...so I head back up to my dorm, but now my roommate is awake studying again so I don't want to go in there till I am even more composed  (because I texted Sam to treat Rachel really good etc and that kinda made me sad again) so now I am sitting out in the hallway texting sam and just trying to relax and just hoping no one I know comes by.   So not only was I homesick - I couldn't find anywhere in the dorm where I could just have some privacy.    

So that is me.  Just keeping it real :) 

An epiphany on the plane...and Living Life!

While I was flying to Omaha, I was thinking real hard for a reason to explain to myself the answer to the questions "am I really going to do this? is this really what I want to do with my life? Am I still going to be able to be the mom I want to be?"

So for those of you who are also wondering why the heck I am going to pay a crapload of money for someone to give me lots of homework for four years and then have to work for several years after that just to pay back the loans--here are the rambling thoughts that I typed into the memo pad on my phone:

It all comes down to realizing that I am happiest when I accomplish something after overcoming challenges to get there.  If my friends, and my daughter, and my husband, learn anything about me, I want it to be that I rise to meet a challenge.  In fact, I thrive on challenges, in fact-without them, I can be a bit lazy; play things so safe it is boring.  But tell me something is hard, and I will enjoy every minute of trying to prove to myself I can do it.  When coach Pestka told me I probably couldn't keep up with the distance team since I was a hurdler, I proved them wrong.  I ended up joining the distance team, which looking back--I realize may have been his plan all along.  Even so, I went to state on the 4 x 800 meter relay team and for the individual 800 meter.  My senior year I wanted to return to the hurdles, but was told after taking a two year break I probably wouldn't be very competitive.  Come to find out, the distance training was just what I needed to five me an edge in the 300 meter hurdles, since most hurdlers are sprinters they find the 300 meters daunting, as I know from experience. However, shin splints and a twisted ankle also became a challenge, but somehow I forced myself to keep my legs submerged in the ice bath in the training room before and after practice (even though years later I was unable to hold my hand in a bowl of ice water for more than 5 seconds).   When things got hard, I told my coach I was going to state.  I still remember the time I needed to get to qualify for state 47:64.  I went to state that year, but to be honest I never did get that time, but I qualified by taking first place in regionals. I made it there, that's all I cared about.

I wanted to go to college, so I was a "goody-goody" in high school, but it paid off..literally, with a full scholarship to college.  I didn't know what I wanted to study once I got there, but I took great pride in accomplishing it anyway.  I don't always know what the long-term future holds when I set my mind on accomplishing a new challenge.  Running with the distance team led me to improve my hurdling time, and my scholarship to ASU led me to not only a bachelor's degree, but also to meeting my husband, having a beautiful daughter, spending 4 years living in the big city of Boston, and three years living on a remote indian reservation. The challenge of moving to Chinle led us to being able to spend lots of time together as a family, I saw Sam every day at lunch, we became the family that skiis, became dog people, we traveled, made great friends, I ran a half marathon, we learned about a new culture and learned to appreciate the basics in life.  I also met friends in the health professions and got motivated to go back to school.  One thing let to another...and here I am.  on a plane to Omaha for my first week of Pharmacy school.

I am still nervous sometimes. Is this really what I want to do? Is this going to be okay for Rachel?  Am I still going to be able to have lots of time to spend with her? When is it too late to get a refund of my tuition for this semester?  After I put on the white coat? After I say the oath? After the first day of class?   I am excited to learn.  I am excited the school is service oriented.  I am excited to meet friends from all over the country.  I am excited to earn a doctorate degree.   The icing on the cake would be if my diploma is bigger than Sam's.  :)  (any of you who has seen it knows this is highly unlikely--because for some reason, his is gigantic!)  

Of course, this isn't a stage that any of my pregnant friends are considering, so there is also the matter of motherhood and coming to peace with the fact that for now, one child is all I was meant to have.  At one time I imagined myself having three or four children.  After having trouble getting pregrant after Rachel I have went through many stages.  Some have included fertility treatments, and some have included trying to imagine a new possibility for my future life.  Each step I took in trying out a different path:  taking a magazine internship in Boston, taking part-time jobs, taking science classes on the Rez, applying to pharmacy school--I'll admit, at the time these were things I had to do to just keep my mind off the fact that I wasn't able to get pregnant. And in the back of my mind at each step I wasn't convinced the next step would really happen, "i'll take these classes, but maybe before I apply for school I'll find out I'm pregnant." "maybe after I apply for school, maybe after I get accepted to school, (I waited a few weeks before paying my deposit to accept my spot in the class), maybe after I accept my spot in the class...." 

I go through phases of wishing I had a newborn baby to hold when I see my friends all pregnant, and then I have days of realizing how good I have it when my friends talk about just wanting a break from their kids.  Then I see random strangers with kids that are many years apart and I leer at them, trying to catch a glipse of how large gaps between siblings can work out too.  And I think--maybe it will happen after pharmacy school.  Then as recently as yesterday I talked with a mom who had trouble getting pregnant but kept taking fertility meds because she wanted more kids and now looking back wonders why she pushed it so far.  This mom has 6 kids and says she struggled to get pregnant with each one.  She was married 5 years before her first child.  Was on Clomid for a long time with each child.  Had to be on bed rest for most of each pregnancy.  Had 3 miscarriages, and even lost the hearing in one of her ears due to a complication with a drug she took in order to stop an early labor.  And was told recently that she is at a high rish of developing cancer because of how long she took fertility meds for.  In retrospect she realizes a big factor was being told that she couldn't have kids, and needing to prove that statement wrong.  And feeling like she had something to prove, led her to where she is today, not necessarily that this was her dream all along.  Hearing her share her story helps me add credibility to some of the thoughts I have had along the same lines.  I mean, I didn't have trouble getting pregnant with Rachel, and I wanted a second child before I realized it wasn't in the cards, but once I started having trouble it made me want it that much more.  So then, there have been a lot of realizations that some of the reasons behind why I want another child don't have quite the strength for an argument that I once thought they had.  And once you start down the path of wondering whether you are walking the fine line of tempting fate, or pushing God's will (whatever you want to call it) by trying so hard to force something that wasn't meant to be--and realizing that this decision of yours could have serious consequences such as cancer--it really causes you to think twice about your motives.  So I told this mom that I am actually starting Pharmacy school in a few weeks and she told me, "That's Great--you just need to go on living your life." 

So this is me--living my life!  ha ha

*okay, sorry about the long post--I'm forcing myself to click publish right now instead of going back to start deleting stuff.

Real Life

Okay, so I am aware that I moved to Phoenix back in June--about two months ago, but I still feel like we are in transition mode.  Actually, doing the math right then and realizing that it has only been two months makes me feel a whole lot better, because I feel like we have been here longer than that and I feel wierd admitting that I still don't feel like I am back to "real life" yet.  In my defense we were on vacation, then packing, and unpacking, and cleaning, then on vacation again, then I was in omaha, now I am back--but in a two week limbo until my classes start. 

I know I have posted some this summer, but they have been just quick posts but I have some time tonight and I am in the mood to try and document some more about what our transition has been like. 

So--I apologize for all the text ahead of time.  I am feeling like I could use some writing therapy. 

First of all, I'll start with something from tonight since it is fresh in my mind.   I am dealing with a very home sick little girl.  Thankfully, I feel like I can empathize with her, because I too moved a lot when I was younger.  Here are the stories I keep telling her to help her know I understand how she is feeling. 

I was born in Utah, in the same city where both of my grandparents lived and I was really sad to when my dad got a new job in colorado when I was in the middle of Kindergarten.  I cried a lot.  I wrote a note on the inside of a gum wrapper that said "I don't like it here, I want to go back to where we used to be." I am pretty sure I begged to go back and live with my grandma--which didn't help my mom at all, who was also very homesick having just moved away from family with her four kids for the first time.  We lived there just long enough for me to make one really good friend, so when we moved just a year later, in the middle of first grade, I was really sad again because I missed Michelle.  We moved to arizona and lived in one house for the rest of first grade, then we actually moved once more before I started second grade.  When I started second grade I remember hearing girls say "we have known each other since kindergarten" and I was sad knowing that I would never say that about anyone.  That year I made friends with a girl named Cherise.  We were in the same class, and while it isn't kindergarten I think it is pretty cool to be able to say I am still in touch with a friend I have known since 2nd grade.  I remember being jealous of her pretty handwritting.  Even when she was in a hurry and not trying, she had the nicest writing.  If I wrote really slow and tried really hard my writting could look almost as pretty as hers, but when I was in a hurry then it was back to chicken scratch.  In third grade and fourth grade we made friends with another girl named Jennifer.  We had the funnest sleepovers, and we all played soccer on the same team.  In the middle of 5th grade we moved again--this time nearby, only maybe 5 miles--but it was "over the hill" which meant that I would go to a different elementary school. A different junior high.  AND a different high school.  Lame.  When you had time to make better friends, it makes the next move that much harder.  I stayed in that house until I graduated high school, but of course I have had to deal with saying good-bye to good friends and having to make new friends when I went to college, moved to boston, moved back to arizona, then to the rez, then back here.   it never does get any easier.  Only now I guess we have blogs and emails and ways to keep in touch.  But it isn't the same as being able to call Christine and see if she wants to go look at yard sales in 5 minutes, or get a call from Kim who is working at the bank and craving fritos and come to her rescue by driving over and shoving a bag of chips in the vaccuum container at the drive thru.  ha ha

I think Rach had been in vacation mode during the summer, but starting back to school has made her realize how much she misses her friends.  She was at the same school for three years, so she made some very good friends and she was familiar with the whole school.   I keep finding notes like these:

She has collected all of her momentos from Chinle and put them all on her dresser together where she can look at them every day. her cowboy boots (which she has decided to wear this week), and her school yearbook, letter from her friend, trophies etc.  And then tonight she told me "now, I hope there isn't a fire. because then all of my memories would get ruined."  :( 

She is also struggling with friends--but more of the concept of best friends.  She has made some friends here--and she has a great friend who lives across the street that she knew from when we lived here previously.  She told me today "I want to tell my friend at school that I already have a best friend, but I don't want to make her sad."  So I explained how you can have more than one best friend--and you can definitely have a best friend in each place that you live. 

 I hate seeing my little girl so sad so hopefully this sadness fades sooner rather than later.  But on the up-side it is nice knowing that she has such happy memories from Chinle.  In fact she keeps telling me that she wants to move back to Chinle.  That she wishes she could drive to chinle every day to go back to her old school.  She has always been a way to scheme up a way to get what she wants--so trust me--her brain is scheming now to figure something out.  For now, she will have to settle with the thought of visiting sometime. 



More zoo videos

Digging monkey...well some sort of monkey can't remember what kind :)

This animal looks like a zebra but is actually the only living relative to the Giraffe

big Gorilla

funny birds biting each other

Gorilla again

Penguin Video

Zoo videos for Rachel

Rachel, I saw so many fun things at the zoo today.  I took lots of pictures and videos for you.  Here is a video of a shark!

Love Mom :)

Pharmacy Friends

We walked around downtown and found a cute little art gallery.

We also found a cool vintage shop

Today we took off to the zoo.  The Omaha zoo has some really cool exhibits like this jungle/rainforest area.  You walk around the top level and look down on a lot of places, and there are waterfalls all over the place, and then you can walk along the bottom as well. 

It also had a pretty cool aquarium.  It is the tunnel kind that you walk through and the acquarium is all around you.  The sharks were my favorite.

They also had all these penguins in the aquarium and they were fun to watch because they were waddling and swimming all over the place, unlike the lions and tigers who just lay there and sleep.

The first week has been good so far. Kinda boring actually, mostly meeting all of our professors, hearing what we should expect in our classes, and we got our laptops and learned how to use all the fancy stuff on them.

Next week we are actually doing our pharmacy labs so that should be more fun. 

Here are some of my classmates that I have been hanging out with this week. They live in Seattle, South Dakota, Texas, Alabama and Chicago. It is fun meeting people from all over. I was also pretty excited to meet a classmate from Delaware...That was the first person from Delaware I have ever met! :)

Utah Camping trip

Hammocks are the best!

We hiked to Cascade falls, but Rach wouldn't smile for a picture--this was the best I could get ha ha

Playing with cousins 

Hanging with second cousins..or is it first cousins once removed...blah blah blah

I really gotta figure all those terms out. Anyone want to save me from doing the research and tell me what the relationship is between my daughter and one of my first cousins.  Go!

Fishing with grandpa...but never caught any fish